So I'm an asshole. I called the Lorax. I don't know what came over me. Maybe it's that I didn't sleep last night, maybe it's that Eliza was with her new boy tonight and they looked so happy. Maybe it's that earlier that day I decided not to date any of the guys I've been seeing lately (Jewy McJewson, Compumusican who grabbed my ass, Dancer) unless they "knock my socks off." Whatever it was, I should have ignored it.


It's not that the conversation was all that bad, actually it was quite pleasant. But it wreaked of friendship. He didn't seem to miss me at all. There was definitely no change in him at all. What did I expect? Did I expect him to pick up the phone, hear my voice and propose? Actually, he picked up the phone, heard my voice and said "hold on, I have another call..." So I waited, on hold for a few minutes. And I thought to myself, "hang up the phone, hang up the phone you idiot, he'll call you back...hang up the pho..." and he came back. Damn! Anyway we had an awkwardly pleasant conversation about I heart Hukabees, Garden State, the weather ...He mentioned how in the last two weeks my name keeps popping up in conversation. I told him it was good to know I was still in his subconscious. I wanted to tell him that meant he really loves me and can't stop thinking about me.


All I wanted to do was fall back into my old pattern of me telling him how crazy I was about him and him saying "thank you." Arg, that can't be all I expect from him. This has to be a two way thing. It's good I'm not with him anymore. Maybe this phone call was what I needed...probably not cause I still really fucking miss him...


So what do I do now? Do I see him again? Do I let him be my friend like he seems to want so bad? I feel like that could only led to us sleeping together which would be really really bad. Really really really bad. Cause that's when I start to do it again, rationalize that this is good for me. This is going somewhere, he likes me again...no you asshole, he likes to fuck you while he's fucking you over. Hang up the goddamned phone!!!!!!!!!!


Man this blog entry is sad. Sorry about that. Tomorrow I promise I will talk about something juicy.