I am way girly-er than I ever intended.

What is wrong with me? Why must I continually vomit honesty to guys, especially guys I like? Why can't I play these stupid games and really get him interested in me and then pull away, be coy and aloof, fuck with his head? Why am I so bad at this?

Tonight, date number 4 with the boy who shall remain nick nameless. Things are going very very well. We're holding hands, making out in front of all my co-workers (my office party) and things are rockin. But midnight strikes, he starts yawning. I playfully ask him, know full well he's coming home with me tonight, whether he needs to get home to go to bed. Shockingly he tells me, yes, he's going home. It's been a long day, he came to the party sleepy, he's tired...blah blah blah. I'm thrown. What the fuck? Last night I sent him a text message suggesting that he might want to bring a toothbrush with him tomorrow night. I'm so cute it kills me. But what is this? He's going home. He has his coat, hat and scarf on. He's really going home and he's going home without me. What!?!?!

So while waiting outside the door he kisses me, holds my hand, apologizes over and over for leaving. I look at him, something is off. He's nervous as shit. "Fuck, he's going to dump me isn't he?" I think to myself. "Damn, I really thought I liked this one." So I poke and I prod.

"What?" I ask him.
"Nothing" he says.
"No seriously, what is going on?"
"Nothing...well...ummm...shit I'm bad at this ummmmm" so here it comes. The inevitable break up talk. I knew it was coming. I came on way too strong and now he thinks I'm in love with him and thus must end the relationship before it starts. He says something to the effect of "this is all happening way too fast, not ready, wants to 'do right by me'" blah blah blah. I'm confused but I play along. He's not exactly breaking up with me. He kisses me between almost every sentence. I have no idea what is going on. I can't hear him very well and I really can't tell what he's trying to say.

So as he leaves he says to me "I'll email you" stops himself and stumbles "I'll ca...get in touch with you." What the fuck is that? Am I not even good enough for a fake "I'll call you"? I don't get it.

So I'm home, alone, again. 4th date and not even a cuddle to show for it. I have to admit this whole thing went super fast. We met a week ago (yes a week ago) and it's been 4 dates. That can be totally overwhelming. But hey man, it takes two to tango and two to make a date. So it wasn't just me making all the big plans. Still, it's easy to blame myself because this is not a rare occurrence with me. I have often been told that I come on too strong.

I am not a game player. Someone forgot to teach me the rules.