"Baruch atah I'm gonna die alone"
-Grace Adler (Will & Grace)

Okay I'm sure it's not that bad. But my two quests as of late are not going so well and I think for the first time in a long time I'm actually depressed. Although now I don't have the comfort of my 12 free sessions at NYU health center to get me through it and give me drugs. Paying for therapy is like drinking alone, something I can never muster up the courage to do. I haven't hit rock bottom yet.

So the quests. One is simple, find a synagogue (AKA Jews) that I like and can identify with. I've only been to two so far but I just get the feeling that this isn't what I'm looking for. It's totally unfair, this trip was amazing with 40 awesome Jews. I associate cool people with Jews and you know what, I think I found the only 40 cools Jews that exist. No no that's totally unfair. I just think I'm not finding it sitting alone at any New York synagogue.

The other quest...well I'm trying to figure out this whole Asheville thing. We're not together, I need to establish that with both myself and him. We hardly talk, and when we do we skirt around any kids of relationship talk. I just want to know whether he thinks it's okay for me to fuck other people when he's not around. I have a feeling he's gonna be okay with that. He's coming to visit in February and when I mentioned that I might want to come visit him, he kinda freaked out. It's weird, a week ago he wanted me to move to Asheville, now he doesn't even want me to visit. What is that about?

So I suppose I'm back where I started. A stupid girl who gets sucked into the love thing way too quickly, way too easily. I have to stop believing everything I'm told when it comes from a guy I find attractive.

My best friend and I were talking yesterday about how we are complete opposites when it comes to the beginning of dating. Where I see only good things about a guy I like and refuse to acknowledge that he is anything but perfect and the one, she dwells only on the little things that annoy the piss out of her. I think she may have it right for the time being. She gets hurt far less than I do.