I lied to Older Navy and it’s killing me…

Last night I went out with a very very very cute lawyer. This was our second date. Our first date was the night before I left for NC to visit Older Navy. The lawyer is sweet, not Jewish either, 28, kind and a really good kisser. We spent most of our first date waxing poetic about music and songwriting (yes, a musician but this one has a real job). At the end of the date he gave me a very sweet goodnight kiss.

Yesterday afternoon Older Navy and I talked. He asked me what I was up to that night and I told him I had a hot date (true). But then I told him I was going out with my best friend. The “hot date” comment prompted him to make that inevitable step of saying, “you know, if you’re gonna see other people, is it cool if I do?”

I paused, I didn’t know what to say. Deep down inside I wanted to tell him no, I don’t want him seeing other people and I don’t really want to see other people either. But I know that’s fucking ridiculous so I kinda laugh and tell him that he’s welcome to see other people. At that moment if he had said that he didn’t want me to see other people I would have called the lawyer and cancelled and spent the whole night on the phone with him. But he didn’t and I didn’t cancel.

Fast forward to last night. He and I met at a Russian vodka bar near my place. We decided we would get dressed up so I wore my fabulous Banana Republic dress that makes me feel like a million bucks. We sat and talked about our weeks. He asked me how visiting my friend in North Carolina went. I bit my tongue and attempted to make the weekend sound as friendly and casual as possible.

So then it was on to dinner at Chelsea Grill. We had a nice time but for some reason we couldn’t stop making out. He’s so damn attractive. After dinner we decided it was movie time. We went to my place and watched Team America. We made out through most of the movie except for the puppet sex scene which was just too funny to not watch.

The lawyer left around 1:45, I composed myself and called Older Navy. He didn’t pick up. I called his home number, no answer. I left him a message, sent him an email and then went to bed.

At 10am the phone rang and it was Older Navy. I was still sleeping. He asked, “are you sleeping?” I cleared my throat and told him no, that I was just lying in bed. So he starts prodding me about not calling him until 2am the night before. I apologize over and over again. He kindly forgives me…it’s all very light, very flirty. So he asks me how my night was, what I did, why I came home so late…he totally knows I was out on a date. I’m waiting for him to call me on my web of lies that I am currently spinning. I was out with Laura (lie) we went out to dinner (true), drinks (true), and watched a movie (true) with Laura (lie).

It occurred to me that Laura, who is a singer/songwriter might have had a show out of town last night. In which case Older Navy, who has seen her website, would have known that she was out of town. He was totally just going to let me weave this lie until I finally cracked. But he never called me on it and Laura was in town last night.

So I let it go, but all day long my stomach has been sunken. I’m so depressed. It has never felt so bad to lie to someone ever. I think I really fucking like this guy. But not only that, I respect him a lot and I want to ensure that I have his trust.

So what do I do? Do I fess up and tell him I was on a date? If I do that not only do we have to go through the already uncomfortable, “I was on a date with someone who wasn’t you” thing, but I also have to tell him that I lied and lied fairly well to him. How can he trust me after that? It’s a tough place to be in. On one hand, I do want him to tell me that he’s seeing someone other than me, although that’s where it stops. I do not want to know if he’s doing sweet things for some other girl, talking on the phone with her, kissing her and I certainly don’t want to know that he’s sleeping with someone else.

I know what you’re all thinking: Where the hell did this come from? Well to be honest, I don’t know. Sometime over the course of the past 5 days I think I may have fallen flat on my face for this guy. We talk every day, like 12 times a day. We talk about politics, religion, family, sex, hope, faith, love, each other….mostly we just talk about how much we miss each other. He tells me what he’d be doing if he were lying there in bed with me…somehow he manages to do this without sounding totally creepy. This morning he said to me “wouldn’t it be nice if we could kiss each other goodnight and actually fall asleep next to each other. Then we could wake up in the morning and look at each other and think ‘I am the luckiest person in the world that I get to wake up with this person every morning.’” Oh yeah, I’m completely screwed yet again.