This entry comes compliments of my friend Ophelia.

Jdate: Kosher internet meat market

Don’t ever think being a single, Jewish New Yorker is easy- I can tell you from experience it’s far from it. You’d think with all the Jews in NY, I’d manage to snag one that wasn’t taken, married, gay (yes, there are gay Jews) or extremely odd- but alas, I haven’t. Which led me to Jdate and for those of you who have been living on the dark side of the moon, Jdate is an internet dating service for young Jewish singles. Trouble is the people on Jdate are so god damn horrific.

So you go on to this site and fill out the longest profile in the history of the world. With questions like, “what is the first thing you want people to know about you?” and “what’s your ideal relationship?”- can you really find the first thing everyone wants to know about you- I’d like to know if the person has an STD, though they never mentioned that fact nor do they mention if they’ve killed a drifter. If that’s the case, I’d certainly like to know. And ideal relationship? If we knew the key to ideal relationships, would be trying our luck at internet dating? I think not.

So let’s get down to the nitty gritty- you start searching on this site and you see some profiles based on the preferences you’ve entered, sounds fine, right? Trouble is each profile gets worse and worse. Cheesy lines just hitting you one, after the other like massive trucks and I’m a deer caught in the headlights. “What’s the first thing you want people to know about you? And they all generically begin with: “I’m smart, witty, good looking and funny…” Now, this is internet dating, we’ve got to go based on a picture that may or may not be you or no picture at all- do you honestly think I’ll take your word for it?

Sure your mom says you’re smart and good looking but she gave birth to you, she has to lie to you and herself. You don’t expect the truth and if you do, I’ve got an awesome bridge to sell you. Everyone lies on these profiles, including me. You’ll never see: “I’m quite ugly, and an absolute bigot, I’ve also got a hunchback” but it’s quite unfortunate that you’ll have to waste your time meeting this person to discover all that.

But here you are selling yourself like a cheap and dirty whore- and normally I like that sort of thing but in this context, I can’t bring myself to click on their profile. I find it self serving and conceited to be ever so flawless, and it makes me shudder at the thought of dating anyone who thinks I’d fall for that.

Whatcha lookin for?
In this mind numbing questionnaire we’re also asked, who are you looking for? I first entered: Jesus in running sneakers and tighty whities but Jdate removed it from my profile- apparently Jesus humor isn’t their game. But for some odd reason, everyone always enters: someone attractive- someone attractive? Ok, I hear you out but when was the last time you ever asked for someone unattractive?

I know, beauty is skin deep, blah blah, yada yada- let’s be honest- if someone walks up to you in a bar, who’s cross eyed with crooked teeth, a peg leg, and missing a finger, are you going to jump into their arms? I think not. They could be the winner of the noble prize for psychics but if they look nasty, you’re so not going out with them. Sorry, I just have to be honest here.

So consider this whole internet dating thing as meeting in a bar, sans the bar. And a lot more socially obscure characters, who feel they can contact you based on the fact that it’s the net and you can’t see them or know who they really are. I should know I’m a magnet for guys who are socially broken; they take my quirkiness/ dark humor as a sign of their redemption somehow.

You’d think with this being a kosher meat market there would be no cheese, but that’s another story. But in the end, cheese or non- cheesy there are the rare cases of Jdate outcomes that end happily and then there are the case like mine. Where you’re still single and after having a few horrific Jdates, you thank the lord for keeping you that way, well for now at least.