Dear Lorax,

These are the top 5 reasons why you and I can never be friends:

1. every time I see you I just want to jump you
2. you stare at me like you love me
3. I miss feeling like your girlfriend, even though I never really was
4. you don’t really want to be friends either
5. I kinda hate your fucking guts right now for breaking my heart

It’s for these reasons that I must decline your request to be friends. I hope you understand, it’s just that I respect myself too much to even attempt friendship with you.

-Not Into You

I got a voice mail from the Lorax tonight asking when we were going to hang out again. I refuse to call him back. Instead I write this letter to you my readers instead of actually telling him these things.

Okay so let’s analyze this shall we?

1. This is really a sexual thing. He and I had very good sexual chemistry and let’s face it, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. On our first date in front of G-d and all my friends he paraded around the party with his hand in my back pocket. I didn’t even know his last name at this point and his hand was on my ass! Also, he’s an amazing kisser. He has a beard (which I usually hate) but I loved the way it felt on my check. And last but certainly not least the sex was amazing. We fit together. He’s not much taller than I am and our bodies were perfectly aligned to both kiss and have sex at the same time. Although I would have appreciated some morning nookie once in a while…

2. He stares. Like intensely at me all the time. Like he’s waiting for me to say that one magical thing that’s going to change his mind. At least that’s what I’m thinking to myself which is why I can never see him again. The look is so intense that it just makes me feel like I have to do something, say something to take charge of the situation. He’s begging me to kiss him or tear off his clothes, or vomit the truth about how I love him and he should love me back.

3. When I was with him, he made me feel special. I felt like the only girl in his life. For the most part I was the only girl in his life but he still refused to let me be his girlfriend. So I refused to allow him to be the only man in my life. It was terribly healthy. But anyway even now when we’re “just friend” he parades me around like I’m his girlfriend. Last week when I met up with him we ran into his sister who was totally unfazed by the fact that I was a) there and b) holding her brother’s hand. Why not? I AM his girlfriend and all…

4. I know I’m a girl, and I make every excuse for him not wanting to be with me (see "He's Just Not That Into You" for more information) but I am totally right on this one. He doesn’t want to be friends either. He wants to love me. There’s something there I just know it! Maybe he wants to be a friend to me but still wants me to adore and love him. This is why he is toxic.

5. He broke my heart. Here I am, 2 months later still fucking obsessing over him. I haven’t had a decent relationship since we broke up (boy who shall not be nick named doesn’t count cause you can’t really call that a relationship, it was merely a blip on the dating radar screen of life). He totally fucked me up. Why do I still hold all guys up to the same standard that is the Lorax? That’s not even a decent standard to hold people to? It’s fairly low if you look at how he treats me. I am WAY cooler than this. Someone get me out of this fucking rut!