Who’s job is it?
When I was in Asheville, with Asheville (what a bad choice of nick name) he asked me, if two people in a relationship have a fight and one walks out, who’s job is it to repair the damage? Is it the person who walked out or is it the person being walked out on. He suggested that it is always the responsibility of the person who leaves to come back because only he or she really knows the motivation for leaving in the first place. I didn’t really give him my opinion either way and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
Now as you all know, I’m a drama queen. If I walk out on someone that I genuinely care about, it’s probably just to prove a point. Essentially, I’m bluffing and want him to chase after me. There are very few times when I walk out on someone with the intention of coming back to them. Usually it’s “chase after me dumbass” or “I really am leaving you so don’t try to call me.”
Which leads me to, well right now. Basically I haven’t spoken to Asheville since that day I first got sick and he decided not to come to New York. He called me on Valentine’s day and I screened his call. He emailed me, I never emailed him back. I’ve sent him a text message and left a message or two on his voicemail but essentially, I’m ignoring him…metaphorically walked out the door. My friends have advised me that this tactic will be a sure-fire way to get him to make that grand gesture of following me out the door and apologizing for whatever it is he did wrong.
I don’t think it’s working. He’s called me a couple of times and that brief time we did actually speak on the phone he called me on the fact that I haven’t been returning his calls but other than that, no grand gesture. Where’s my fucking chase? So again this leads me to think “well fuck, the asshole is just not that into me” but I really can’t imagine that being the case. I think he’s not a game player. Neither am I but at least I’m trying. So what the hell do I do? Do I call him? Do I talk this shit through? My instinct is to go with honesty, try to get into a place that we are both comfortable with whether it be friendship or continue with this awkward relationship. But as we all know my instinct has been wrong many many times. My instinct is to maybe walk out the door in some dramatic fashion, but to always come back, have sex and repair things. That’s what I want to do, I want to fucking call him and make this “better!”
So? What the hell do I do? Who’s job is it to repair the damage?
"Having lunch with you is like watching an episode of Sex and the City"
So it begins, my dating blog. I will attempt to change the names of the people in this blog as much as I can in order to protect the not so innocent. We'll see how that goes. I'm attempting to keep this blog as a tool for my emotions and for your entertainment.
3 comments:
So, this is my first comment on this blog I so avidly read. However I just had to respond. When my boyfriend and I have a fight (lets call him Sam), I often gather all of my things from his apartment (including my toothbrush that has been there for over a year), and storm out. I then proceed to sit outside his door in the hallway waiting for him to come out and "chase me". Predictably, unwilling to put up with my drama queen ways, he NEVER comes out. And, I always go back in and yell at him about not coming out (I would say I only sound crazy, but if you know me, you know I'd be lying). Although it has been almost 18 months, and he has yet to run after me (although lets be honest, I have run after him a few times for the fear that he isnt just leaving to lure me out of my apartment) I continue to hope that one day he will brave the door frame of his for fear that he might lose me.... But I have stopped holding my breath.
As a girl/woman I think we all want someone to chase us. To show us that we are worth coming after. To let us know that they would brave the cold wasteland that is the lobby of their apartment building to prevent us from disapearing from their lives forever.
I have breached the subject with Sam many times and have asked him "did you really not care if I left? does our relationship mean so little to you that instead of opening your apartment door, you would just let me slip away from you FOREVER?" To this he responds, "I know where yo live, I would have seen you tommorrow....Plus, I KNEW you were in the hallway the whole time."
Despite the rationality of this response, and the lucidity of a guy not calling someone who has stopped returning their calls, I believe that many many women feel the way we do. This may be a product of TV and the movies, where, like clockwork, every leading man knows just the right time to go after his leading lady so that she can fall perfectly into his arms with a great kiss. Unfortunately, that instinct to go and chase a girl who has run away is, rather than a product of a man's intuition about the wants and needs of his partner, just women writers playing out their own fantasies on screen. Guys dont come after you because, as I have learned...when they walk away, be it to cool off for the night, or for good, they DO NOT expect or want us to follow. Just another thing to add to the pile entitled "Reasons why it would be easier to be gay"
Why is it that women continue to play a game that men don't participate in? I don't even think men realize a game is going on here. Quit over complicating situations with these games.
It's silly to expect a man to continue to call after being ignored numerous times. (Especially a guy who's a couple of hundred miles away.) We ain't stupid, we get the hint.
Let's just say, for argument sake, you didn't want to hear from him and he continues to call after being ignored numerous times. You'd be calling him a STALKER.
Who's job is it? It's your job. Be strong and go after what you want. Besides, he called you last. It's your turn.
I'm a tad bit concerned- I know, I know I haven't commented in a while (so sorry) though, when he said, "who’s job is it to repair the damage?" weren't you a bit concerned?
I mean I read your last post and what happened and how he didn't show and then just happens to not tell you he's not showing was pretty shitty- I think you were valid in being angry and yes, even hating him if it's even a little bit- but now he questions you- wondering who will fix it?
Now I may not be a relationships expert but I never knew relationships needed tool belts and hammers. Sure both parties need to work to make the relationship work but when one person works while the other sits back- I say it's time for a new partner in crime. I don't want to come off as saying, get rid of him or don't call him-
But what has he done to "fix" anything on his end, other than just calling? Because sometimes words over the phone are nothing but static....
my only advice I can give is some words from Janis Joplin-
"Dont' compromise yourself you are all you've got"
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