My friend George brought up the very valid point that there is nothing new to read on my blog. He’s absolutely right and I apologize for that. I wish I had a decent excuse but I really don’t. I did just move (not to Asheville but to Hell’s kitchen) and did get my heart trampled on (by Asheville, yet again) but that’s all stuff I should be writing about. I am deeply sorry for not providing my wonderful readers with all the little tid bits on my life. So I will try my very hardest to keep up from now on. Now that I’ve settled into my new place hopefully I can develop some kind of routine that includes the writing of this blog.

So where to begin. I guess with Asheville. I stupidly let him waltz back (briefly) into my life. I even let him refer to me as his girlfriend. What was I thinking? About 3 weeks ago he came up to New York. He called me on Thursday and asked if he could come have lunch with me. I grudgingly agreed. We had lunch and I was a total bitch to him for about 45 minutes. But then he gave me the look. It’s those fucking eyes and the deep stares that always get me. He then grabbed my hand and proceeds to tell me how deeply sorry he was for fucking up. He never really said that he wouldn’t do it again but I took this as a sign of maturity. He told me how much he missed me and that he’s decided to be alone and reflect on himself but that he missed me a lot. Man I ate it right up. Anyway we parted ways and he kissed me. A few hours later he called and said that he wanted to see me again before he went back to the south. I told him I had plans that night but he should call me later and see what I was doing. We called and text messaged each other all night. Around 10 he called and said “So my last train to my parent’s house is at 11…” I knew what was coming. He wanted to stay in the city and inevitably, I was going to invite him to stay with me. Which I did. He met me at my apartment. We talked, laughed, caught up. He starred, a lot. I melted, I was so fucked. Then we went to my room and had sex all night. I was a wreck in the morning both emotionally and physically.

He called me later that afternoon with an odd request. He said he was going to see an old friend of his in concert at Yale Saturday night and would I like to come up to his parent’s house and then go see the concert with him. This means that a) I would be sleeping at his parents house b) I would be MEETING his PARENTS! I thought about it a lot and eventually caved and said yes.

I took the train up to Brewster, NY on Saturday afternoon. When I got there I was greeted warmly by Asheville. He was looking so cute but totally distressed. His family was clearly driving him nuts. When we got to his house I was bombarded by his sister and his father. They looked at me like I was family. I could see it in their eyes. It was something like “so this is the girl who’s going to save our son” or “this girl has no idea what she’s getting herself into.” Regardless I was clearly there as Asheville’s girlfriend, not Asheville’s friend (which is what we had agreed would be my status). So I proceeded to charm the pants off of his whole family. I had a good time.

We went to the concert where we met up with some of our old Israel buddies. All of them were interested to see Asheville and I together because they all knew we had broken up. My friend Eliza mentioned how much we looked like a couple and how good it was that we were back together. I was a bit skeptical.

The Concert was for a guy named Matisyahu. He’s a rapping reggae Hasidic Jew who used to live with Asheville before he became a rockstar. It was an okay concert, not really my style, but I was happy to be there.

On our way home from the concert I mentioned to Asheville that I would be in South Carolina in two weeks in a fancy hotel playing a gig for my dad’s law firm. He got the hint, he asked if he could come. I said he was more than welcome but it was a long drive and I understood if he didn’t want to make the trek. I also told him that the event I was playing was formal and he had to wear a jacket and tie. He laughed because he didn’t own a jacket but he said he would buy one. The boy was clearly in the moment and happy to be back in “lubb.”

We went home and had quiet “don’t wake the parents” sex in his childhood bed. We woke up in the morning and had breakfast with his family. Then he and I went out for a drive and a walk. We talked for hours. He proceeded to tell me stories about why he so fucked up and I stupidly told him that I would be there for him despite his faults. I’m an asshole.

When he dropped me off at the train station we kissed and told each other that we loved each other very much (note: not IN love with each other: the distinction is important here).

Fast forward to two weeks later. Asheville and I have been talking close to every day. I have been very careful to keep it light and not get too relationshipy. I have given him every chance to bail on this SC thing, but he proceeds with enthusiasm…until the Friday morning that I fly to SC. I get an email in my inbox from him:

So I will be seeing you in a couple of hours here... The only thing is that I think I will be heading back to Asheville tommorow morning. I feel like I should spend at least all day Sunday looking for a new place to live (because I am starting to get stressed about having no place to live in 2 weeks). The other reason I am going to jet early is my budy Nora has a recital tommorow night (I was initially going to miss it) but now If I'm trying to be back for Sunday I should show Nora my 'spect. Hope you can understand, and I am
excited to see you.

I left the spelling mistakes in there to show you that he’s an idiot J

Anyway I was livid. The whole reason I’m going to SC for my show on SATURDAY night. He was basically going to drive 6 hours to see me like 12 hours, most of which we’d be sleeping. When I pointed this out to him he said “yeah, I just really should get back.” To which I replied “well don’t come.” When asked why I responded “because the only reason you should come is so I can break up with you face to face.”

Although I regret this now, I felt pretty proud about that statement. It was like a big old slap in the face to Asheville. He freaked out a bit and we yelled at each other a lot. I eventually hung up on him. There was much yelling that continued throughout the day that climaxed into the inevitable breakup. I cried a lot at work that day but attempted to get myself together. It’s not so much that the relationship was over it was more that he said some pretty mean and nasty things to me. Maybe some of them were true, maybe not, but it hurt none the less. I took some cheap shots at him. My favorite was “I knew you were going to fuck this up! I just find it sad that no one will ever be able to depend on you ever.” He actually agreed to that one.

Anyway while on the plane I set my ipod to the ever so comforting indigo girls. When the song “Least Complicated” came on I paused and really listened to the song. The lyrics “the next time I fall I’m gonna have to recall it isn’t love, it’s only something new” hit me and I stopped dead. I realized that it’s time to stop fucking falling in love. It’s time to just enjoy myself, enjoy the moment and not try to make something out of the smallest gestures. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss and I miss you is just I miss you.