It’s funny, as much as I appreciate my friend’s advice, I hardly ever take it.

I told Older Navy the truth. It got kinda ugly. Basically he’s not sure if he can ever trust me again. I must admit he’s being a bit of a baby but I imagine it’s because he’s been burned before and doesn’t want it to happen again. As much as I’m supposed to be protecting myself by dating other people, not getting to excited about him, he’s doing the same with me by not wanting me to do these things. I get it, I even respect it. I don’t really want to see other people, I just feel like that’s what I’m supposed to be doing.

So this past weekend was miserable. I told him Saturday night after he said something incredible sweet to me. We talked, I cried, he almost broke up with me. Somehow we ended up having phone sex.

Woke up in the morning to his call. He told me he was glad I was honest with him but it’s still going to take him some time. He needs to think about things. I feel awful. There is not anything I can say to make him trust me again. I realize now that it’s his shit, not mine and there’s nothing I’m suppose to say. Yet, I still feel like it’s my job to fix this (see “If two people are in a fight…”).

So we talked all day…like 12 times that day. And I don’t really feel like we got into a good place. So I went out to dinner with my girlfriends and talked about it. They convinced me that this is really not my fault, maybe I shouldn’t have been so honest with him cause well, that’s dating, but I was and he has to deal with that.

As I walked home from dinner I called the Lorax (yes, we’re friends now) and he gave me some good advice. He told me that I was always good at expressing myself in writing (oh if he only knew) and that maybe I should take a stab at writing Older Navy and email and explain how I felt. So that’s what I did.

2 hours of composing a well-written sonnet to Older Navy and I hit send.

Dear Older Navy,

I've been over and over this in my head, trying to figure out why I haven't been able convey what I'm really feeling to you. These past few days I seemed to have melted into a weak little girl when I'm on the phone with you. I haven't really been able to tell you what I'm feeling. So here goes...

This is the first time that I've felt that you've played the age and experience card on me and I hate it. The fact is, age has nothing to do with it. Yes, I'm 24 and in theory I should be out "oat sewing" but the fact is, why would I want to do that when I have the most wonderful, kind, loving man who adores me and whom I also adore. Why would I ever want to jeopardize that? This is what I've been asking myself all day. The answer is that I don't want to risk that. What we have, or what we could potentially have is too good and not worth risking for anything. I am absolutely falling for you, way faster than I ever expected and certainly much harder than I ever thought possible.

About the lie: I've thought quite a lot about why I would lie to you even after you gave me the go ahead and I gave you the go ahead to see other people. I really couldn't figure it out. Today it hit me. I was attempting to protect you and preserve the fantastic little world we have carved out for ourselves. The way I see it, if you told me you were going out on a date with some other girl, I would sit home that whole night, waiting for you to call, waiting to see if you kissed her, said sweet things to her, made love to her...that would kill me. In a way I want to know, but really I don't. In fact, I'd really prefer us not see other people all together. So there I was talking to you and I had a choice. I could tell you I was going out with good old, safe, reliable Laura or I could tell you I was going out with someone else. I made the choice I made because it's familiar (as familiar as anything can be between the two of us) and it's safe. If I'm out with Laura you at least have an idea of what I might be doing, what I might be saying, who I might be talking to. I guess it's the nature of the long distance relationship. There could always be doubt and jealousy. I don't want to even give you a reason to doubt me. This is why, if you'll let me, I want to commit myself to you and only you. I don't want to see other people and if you don't either, well I don't think anything would make me happier

I waited for him to call. He did but he hadn’t been home yet. I asked him to go home, read my email and call me back. He called at around 1am. I had been dead asleep and was totally out of it when he called. He told me he would have called earlier but he was writing and trying to collect his thoughts first. He said he would reply to my email in the morning but he wanted to thank me for putting my feelings out there. And then I passed out again.

This morning I did not get an email from him. Eventually I sent him a little “good morning” email and he quickly replied. We chatted briefly about computer stuff but never the looming issue at hand…I think he needs some time.

So I’m in limbo right now. I know he likes me a whole lot and that is most likely why he isn’t dropping me like a dead weight at this point. We’ll just have to wait and see.