Friday, November 18, 2005

David is a very good lawyer.

David is such a good lawyer that, last week, he managed to coax the URL of this blog out of me. How did he do it you ask? Well, I’m not exactly sure. It took hours of bargaining and deliberating but eventually, with a sophisticated wink and a nod (10 points if you know who said that other than David’s drunk moot court partner), I just did it, I let him have it. Pete says it’s like giving away my virginity…except worse.

He read the entry I wrote about him while we were still on the phone and he laughed. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was worried he might be offended by the whole jdate picture thing, but he thought it was pretty funny. This prompted a whole discussion about jdate pictures.

Anyway before I actually gave him the blog I told him that there was nothing in it that, if he asked, I wouldn’t tell him. So I told him about the threesome, I told him about the last person I slept with (now every time I mention “my coworker” he rolls his eyes a little bit), I told him about Older Navy. I didn’t want him to find these things out from the blog and I repeated that over and over again. I mean, isn’t it better that he find out from me rather than from reading my very public diary?

He read a few more pages and said “you know, it’s probably better if I don’t read this anymore.” I agreed but knew that he would probably come back to it later.

This got me to thinking about my sexual past. That night, I made a list of all my previous partners. No, I am not going to reveal this number here on the blog (remember, the new guy I’m seeing who I actually like, may be reading this) but let’s just say it gave me a bit of a wake up call. I wouldn’t say that I’m slutty (some of you may) but I would say that I haven’t been as selective as maybe I should be. I know I’m a bit of an affection whore and I often confuse physical intimacy with love.

I never thought I’d be one of those girls. Anyway as I made this list I thought, a lot of this history is in the blog, David is going to read it and think I’m a whore, or nuts or whatever. But then I asked myself, is my sexual past what defines me?

Just because I happened to date the Lorax and Asheville and Older Navy, does that mean I will always date hippies? Because I slept with a few guys on the first date, does that mean I always will? See, I don’t think I’ve established a real pattern here in the blog, at least not one that will really let you know who I am. Sex does not define me. Past relationships and heartbreaks do not define me. I know they play a role in molding a person into what she is but they are not the whole picture.

This is why, reluctantly I decided to let David read the blog. If he reads it, gets scared off and leaves me, well then he’s an idiot. Because he misses out on a chance to get to know the real me, not the NotIntoYou character that is played out in these virtual pages.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Can regular readers receive an email with the number?

I like the new design.

-The Jackal

sony pony said...

are you for real?

Anonymous said...

I once read 3 years worth of someone's blog....1 week after I met them. Which ruined any chance for a relationship, as I was able to see nasty little patterns of misbehavior, complaining, doing nothing about issues worthy of complaint, and still complaining about the same thing 3 years down the blog. David's S-M-R-T to back off from reading the entire thing for now. It's sort of a sensory overload to take in all of these stories all at once. Everything in its own time.

gdess said...

you are one of the most amazing people that many a human will ever meet - yes, the honesty in these stories might be alot to take in at once - but all the things that you can share with him about who YOU are, all those things that make you truly spectacular - the way you think, and your loyalty to others....he can only get from you and from touching your heart - just don't be afraid to share that "notintoyou" with him with the same honesty that you have shared the tidbits in these pages!

Esther Kustanowitz said...

Love the site design. Very interesting stuff. How'd I get here? I Googled "I hate JDate." Reassuring, isn't it? No worries, all three of my blogs come up for that search too...

J said...

I struggle with the same, what if he finds my blog issue also and normally I find the guys who freak when they read about themselves- you'd think it would be an honor for the bastards to make the blog...

Anonymous said...

Maybe, he'll look at it and think, "DAMN. I'm dating an amazing writer."

~Lola

Esther Kustanowitz said...

Ah, the eternal question: how much to reveal in the blog, and to how many should the URL be released? Well, that's why I write under my real name and play my romantic cards close to the, uh, chest. There won't be any "magic numbers" on my blog...

Anonymous said...

Let's party!

Anonymous said...

Let's party!