Honesty is for suckers.

I've tried. Really I have. I want to be honest and open. But how can you do that while still playing the game? The game fucking sucks!

So this morning I awoke to an early morning phone call from Asheville. This was because I sent him somewhat of a panicked text message late last night asking him to call me ASAP. So, good for him, he called me ASAP but not until the next morning but that's fine. By then I wasn't really panicked but it was still nice to start my day hearing from a guy I'm crazy about. He wasn't much comfort though. I have to admit that I wasn't really sure what comfort I needed from him. I don't even think that I articulated to him why I was even upset in the first place. So we talked, and laughed a bit and got ready for work together. It was kinda cute. But when he ended the call (he ends all the calls by the way) I felt a little empty, like I couldn't get out of our conversation what I wanted.

So I go to work and write him a long rambling email where I explore my inner feelings. I say things like "was it actually you or me or was it just some kind of reflection of the israeli moon?" Could you just vomit? But there's something to it. Maybe I just relate to him so well because he's been through the same experience that I just went through and it isn't really love. It's a connection, a common bond.

So anyway today was a bad day. I was sad, feeling unsure about my job, my life and most of all my "boyfriend." So after my boss yelled at me I sent a text message to Asheville to ask him if it was okay that I call him later to cry. He texted me back right away saying of course I could call him. When I didn't call him by 6:30 he called. I didn't pick up because I was still at work. When he called again at 7:45 I was still at work but I picked up. We talked, he made me feel a bit better. But when I brought up the email he didn't know what to say. Things got awkward. I wanted to ask him, "so where are we? what are we? are you my boyfriend? do you think about me?" This is stuff I can't ask because it freaks him out...doesn't it? Maybe it freaks me out? Again, he ends the conversation, I go home in a daze.