I can be a bit overdramatic sometime…

Yes you may all roll your eyes now. So I know you must be dying to know what is going on with me and Older Navy. Well since I wrote my last blog we spent almost 24 hours more together. In that time we fought again, I cried some more, he made me feel like a dumb kid, and somehow we made up.

No it’s not that simple, although it kinda felt that way. So after all the yelling (it was more like harsh discussing) he sat me down to watch a documentary about Bjork. I had told him I wasn’t a huge fan and he decided it was time to school me. I must admit, after watching it, I did like the chick a whole lot more.

Then we decided to do some recording of our own. I had been learning to sing Carole King’s “So Far Away” and he had been dying to record it. So we rehearsed it. Through this musical connection, we started to remember why we liked each other so much in the first place. Sparks began to fly again and I felt like we were back to some kind of norm. Of course the lingering doubt of “this man never wants me to have his babies” was constantly there but I felt like I had my old Older Navy back. So we recorded for a few hours, ordered pizza and watched “I Am Trying to Break Your Heart: A Film about Wilco” which was amazing. But I was getting tired, I had a 6:30am flight and I wanted to get to bed.

So we both got ready for bed and I made my way under the covers. He was still futzing around for a bit and I actually fell asleep. He climbed into bed and I woke up. We started kissing and holding each other and before I knew it, I was naked and panting…ew too much information. And we did it again, unprotected again. I am an asshole.

Which led us to yet another uncomfortable conversation about me taking the morning after pill. Even though I had promised to do so, he somehow didn’t believe me. He even pulled the “well you lied to me once, how do I know you won’t lie about this.” I was appalled. He apologized and admitted it was low.

So at 4:30am we woke up, I brushed my teeth and we were off to the airport. He dropped me off, kissed me, hugged me and made me promise to call him when I landed. That didn’t stop him from calling 15 minutes later to tell me that he missed me.

We spoke several times yesterday, things had varied ranges from really good, funny conversations to dark, sad conversations. I called him as I picked up and took the morning after pill. He called me later in the night to make sure I was okay. This is when we have “the talk.” We decide that we need to figure out what the hell actually happened this weekend, and whether this brick wall that we hit can be walked around, bashed down, or walked away from. So the solution as of now is to think about what we both really want. Laura says I’m not putting enough stock in the journey of a relationship, that I focus too much on the future. I know she’s right but I have a hard time taking a journey with someone who I potentially will fall in love with but have to leave in time because we want different things. I mean, can I really give up the children that I have had named since I was a little girl for this man? Can I give up my religion or at least give up the idea that I will have a traditional Jewish household. He is fascinated by the practices of Judaism but I don’t expect him to convert to me. Am I completely getting ahead of myself?

Yes, I am but it’s what I do and I have to deal with that. And he’s doing the same thing. He’s evaluating whether this rockstar life that he’s laid out for himself is more important than having a family with a girl that he loves (no he hasn’t said he loves me yet, it’s sort of hypothetical). It’s a hard situation we’ve put ourselves in because the fact of the matter is, we’re fucking nuts about each other. It’s so rare that you find someone that you can actually be with. Someone you don’t have to fill the void with because there is no actual void to fill.

Anyway we’re not talking to each other for a few days (even though he totally broke the vow of silence today by calling to see how I was feeling – left a voicemail and I broke it right back by calling him, leaving him a voicemail to tell him that I was feeling fine). When we do finally speak to each other I’m still not quite sure what I’m going to say. The fact is I still like him a whole lot, and the fact that I’m even considering a lifestyle very different from what I laid out for myself in my head is fairly telling of how much I do care about him. He has also promised to think about how strong his feelings are towards not having kids. We shall reconvene tomorrow night after my kickball game.