Friday, September 30, 2005

Hello Beautiful…

Last week I got a voice mail followed by an email from Older Navy. My heart sank a bit when I saw the “1 missed call” from him and my heart pounded when I saw that little unread email with the subject heading “Hello Beautiful.”

The voice mail was weird. It was a kind of drunken roar…I’m not kidding, the man rolled his tongue and gave me a cat-like purr or roar. I think it was the kind of noise you make when you see a girl in really cheesy lingerie. Anyway, that just kinda made me laugh.

The email was a little harder to swallow. It stated simply:
I’ve decided, you’re perfect.

I am sort of at a loss here. What does that mean? Immediate reaction was to write him back with this long diatribe about how I am indeed not perfect. But then I started to analyze. What does he mean when he says that I am perfect? Does it mean I am the perfect girl for him? Does it mean he likes me just the way I am? Does it mean that I’m just a really cool person and he wanted to let me know that he thought so? I really don’t know which is why, after a week I haven’t replied.

I had almost put the email behind me when yesterday I got 2 more emails from him. These were far more casual and easy to make sense of. One was just shooting the shit, catching up. The other was a PS talking about how he saw I had a show coming up and that he watched some videos on my other website and wanted to tell me how much he liked them and how much they made him miss me. I almost cried with this email. I almost cried at work when Older Navy emailed me to tell me that he’s thinking of me, checking up on me. Part of me thinks it’s a little creepy that he’s kind of stalking me via the internet but the other part just thinks, “he still loves me.”

So it got me to thinking, how can I be still so in love with this person (or in whatever I was with this person) and really not want to be with him? Then it causes me to analyze what it is about him that I miss. I don’t miss the jealousy or the distance. I don’t miss the unreturned phone calls or the lectures. But I do miss the talks and the debates. I miss the cuddling and I really miss the sex. He was so sweet to me when we were together that it starts me down the “well, what if he really did end up moving to New York” path. Which is a dangerous deliberation to go after. Would any of this stuff really get better? I mean, yes he would be physically closer and therefore he would feel more secure about where I was, what I was doing, but he should feel secure about that anyway. I don’t want a boyfriend who feels like he HAS to check up on me all the time. Truth be told, I don’t mind that he cares enough to check in, it’s just when he needs to do an investigation that bothers me.

Anyway so here I am with 1 phone call and 3 emails left unreturned. I have a few options here:

1. I can go with my emotions and my heart and write him back. I can tell him that I still love him, I miss him and I want him back.
2. 2. I can go with my restrained emotions and tell him that I miss him, I love him but I don’t want him back.
3. I can tell him that I’m not perfect but I appreciate the sentiment.
4. I could ask him what the hell he means by perfection.
5. I could just reply to the last email, shoot the shit and ignore the first one.
6. I could ignore all calls, emails and letter and just let him go.
7. I can call him and just improvise.

I’m still not sure what to do. At this point, letting it all go seems like a viable option. I do miss him though…

1 comment:

John said...

Obviously you are in love and you should at minimum respond. He is probably checking his email every 5 minutes waiting for a response. I would not mistake love for stalking. If you were to tell him to leave you alone or that you were done and he kept coming around that would be stalking. Anyways, make up sex is the best. Give him a call!