Tuesday, October 11, 2005

It’s nights like these that make me wish I had a boyfriend. It’s also nights like these that I call Older Navy.

See, I’m sick and I had a bad day at work. So in my most pathetic laryngitis ridden voice, I dial and leave the most vulnerable voice mail I can. “Hey, I had a shitty day, I’m sick and I really want to talk to you…” which is why it’s so fucked up that when he did call me back, I didn’t pick up. I just let it ring.

This has got me to thinking. What do I really want? I think this was a pretty clear sign that I do not want Older Navy. I simply want a boyfriend. I want someone to “poor baby” me when I’m feeling sick, or when I’ve failed miserably at work.

As the phone rings and his name appears on my caller ID I think “why don’t you want to pick up? In those few seconds I have our entire conversation in my head and I realize that it leaves me not only unsatisfied, but also far more confused and hungry than when I started. So I don’t pick up. I keep watching TV and keep feeling sorry for myself. All because I think I can predict the future. I think I know the exact conversation (or at least the outcome) that I will have with him…so I postpone having it.

This all makes me far more depressed. If I can’t have a phone conversation with a man I professed to love and maybe still do, how am I ever going to be able to deal with anyone? Ugh, I guess I’m just in a shitty mood but the questions keep appearing in my head. Am I going to be alone? I’m great at meeting people, not so good at keeping them.

I start making pathetic little lists of all the boys I’ve screwed this year that have screwed me over. Then I start making the list of all the boys I screwed only once and definitely shouldn’t have. And this all makes me mad and depressed and vulnerable. It makes me start thinking about my high school boyfriend, or my college boyfriend. Things were so much more simple, and we had far less to think about…okay this has taken a turn for the worst. I promise tomorrow I’ll have a funny story about how I got about 47 numbers on Saturday and still ended up going home with the craziest one in the bunch.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

We all have bad days sometimes. Don't let them get you down too much. Also, think of how annoying it is to have a boyfriend, how tied down you felt, clearly it isn't something that you really want, you just want love and companionship.

I think that you need/want a pet, not a boyfriend.